Boo Hoo Voodoo

Over the past few months, I’ve chronicled some of the highlights of this ongoing, online  documentation of the Crisis. Today, we turn to a lowlight:

I have hit the blogging wall.

Still boo-hooing, just like I did in grade school. And last year.

Still boo-hooing, just like I did in grade school. And last year.

A few things are at work here, I think. The number of eyes scanning over the words and images has been shrinking daily, and the comments are few and far between. No, this whine is not totally a pathetic attempt to stir sympathy and generate more reaction from my readers. Not totally. But it does tie in to one of the reasons why I write: to stir an audience and maybe get some positive feedback in response (even as I tell myself in my daily affirmations, “I do not need outside validation.” Uh, evidently I do, but I won’t go into the psychological underpinnings of that [cough, cough, parents, cough…]).

(Hmm, that might be a  record, even for a writer as convoluted and tangent-prone as I am: four punctuation marks in a row!)

Then there’s the growing sense that I have nothing unique to say. Yes, I love spouting about Blago and conservatives and other political inanities, but so do thousands of other bloggers. Many do it with more wit and intelligence, that’s for sure. And yes, I try to go to events and provide some kind of reportage afterward, but I have the nagging sense that not many people give a fuck about the happenings I cover (yeah, right, like I’m a real journalist: “cover”).

Perhaps trying to delve into so many different issues, along with my personal angst, fragments the audience too much. Maybe the personal angst is of no interest to anyone other than a few friends and relatives. Maybe none of this shit is really written very well.

When I started blogging lo these five or so months ago, I told everyone how much fun I was having. I love writing for an adult audience. I love roaming over a range of topics. I, like many so-called creative types, absolutely love writing about myself. But maybe it’s not surprising the fun is starting to fade, given all that is going on. I try to feel at peace with the impending move, but there’s a reason why I said from the beginning that it is a large part of the Crisis: I don’t really want to do it, though I am slowly accepting it more and more. Now, it’s the uncertainty of the circumstances awaiting us that consumes me: Will we get a house we can afford in a place we like, will we have enough money, will I survive the proximity to certain people from whom I much prefer being 900 miles away? Then there’s the job; still boring most of the time, but a necessary evil to ensure there is some semblance of steady income as we undertake this. And of course, the realization there is nothing in the wings to take its place.

It's all going to blow any minute!

It's all going to blow any minute!

A friend who is going through his own trying circumstances recently said that the good times in between his bad times are shrinking in number and duration. I understand. All too well. It is not a good way to live. Of course, we are both pampered, middle-aged North Americans with more going our way than we perhaps deserve, compared to the problems most of the 6.7 billion on this planet face. But as I have said before, it’s hard to keep that in perspective, sometimes, when you are wallowing in your own personal shit, whether of your making or not. And for both of us, the growing global problems – the economy, environmental catastrophes, increasing unrest and complexities in international hotspots – fuel the agita. At times, it can feel like everything is turning to crap.

But let’s forget all that and on a happy note, shall we? Well, um…I could go outside without hat, gloves, and scarf earlier today, and the sun shines brightly still. I burned incense as I wrote this morning and remembered how much I enjoy that soothing aroma. The weekend is here, though that brings less pleasure than it used too. The ensuing Monday always seems too close, and the inner demons do not go to any weekend retreats for a little R & R. At times, they just get louder, perhaps because they know how to enjoy themselves more than I do these days.

Ah, there's the solution (and any resemblance between C?WC? staff and Mr. Green Tights is strictly coincidental

Ah, there's the solution (and any resemblance between C?WC? staff and Mr. Green Tights is strictly coincidental)

To blog, or not to blog? If I get the same personal satisfaction I got out of it a few months ago, then yes, of course. Or if it can act as a kind of therapy, as posts like this one have done in the past, OK. But if it’s just another rote chore, another passionless pursuit, what’s the point? We’ll see what the next few weeks bring.

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~ by mburgan on February 6, 2009.

5 Responses to “Boo Hoo Voodoo”

  1. Why can’t you just view your blog as your diary, journal whatever, stuff that you feel a need to put in print…does it matter if we commment (we being the general population). I read them all, but don’t always comment (heck you don’t want my opinion on everything).

  2. Well, I guess I don’t want your or anyone’s comments on EVERYTHING, but it would be nice to have a sense that a few new people are jumping into the fray now and then, that something is touching someone in some way. But I guess if this is just literary masturbation, maybe it’s best done alone anyway…

  3. For what little it’s worth: still reading. Still caring. Still here. But I too feel like I have hit some sort of wall.

  4. Still enjoying C?WC? but haven’t had much to comment on, so keep it up! Perhaps you could get Winston F Boogie to come back and contribute from time to time? I’d be interested in his take on current music and film…

  5. Dillywren and Radion, thanks for the continued support. I check both of your sites regularly too, though I know I have been lax in the feedback dept as well. As far as Winston: It’s funny, doing arts reviews is something I have deliberately avoided, even though it launched my writing career, such as it is. I figure there are lots more knowledgeable/up-to-date folks out there than me. I’d rather talk about the arts in a more general sense than do specific reviews. But that could change…again, thanks.

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