Let’s See How Long This Lasts…

I had an epiphany of sorts today.

Only thing missing was the heavenly choir...

Only thing missing was the heavenly choir...

If some of you think I’ve been whiny here about the Crisis, particularly the upheaval related to the move, you can’t imagine what hell I’ve been putting Samantha through, a – at times –  response to my anger and frustration and angst coming out in passive-aggressive form. Not that I haven’t been pretty actively aggressive with it at times too. But I realized, this reaction of mine, as justifiable some of it might be to my ego, it’s not doing me or our relationship any good.

So what happened? I got hit with the thought – not a lightning bolt, really, because it’s something that has glowed softly off and on for months. But today the energy behind it jolted for some reason and the glow turned to a brighter, more persistent burn. This whole situation, this doing things I don’t want to do at a time I feel especially worrisome to be doing them, is a test. A karmic test, if you will. I have talked here at times about my interest in Buddhism, I have meditated and studied many of the teachings, but seemingly with no result. I am still a neurotic SOB. But this situation, this is my test to see if I can finally, really, truly  practice detachment. Release myself from my worries about money. Show  compassion to another at the expense of my selfish concerns. Dissipate the negative emotions that build up inside and make me (and Samantha) miserable and at times threaten to paralyze me. Let go of worries about things I cannot control, like the future.

I closed my eyes as I thought all this, and an image popped before me: I stepped off a cliff. And instead of falling precipitously to my death, I floated down slowly. And when I came to a rest, it was on a huge white pillow. Not an original picture I guess, as far as epiphany-induced images go. But it comforted me. Made me feel that what I had just concluded was accurate, and everything would be all right. Yes, this is a test, a leap into the unknown not of my doing (though I had no sense in the mental image that I was pushed off that cliff…), but everything would be OK. I had to make it OK, because otherwise I was going to make myself crazy and ruin my marriage.

Of course, epiphanies and comforting images are all well and good. The key is, can I keep that sense of release, and releasing, day in and day out? Dunno. I want to. I know I need to if I want to get through this. I’m not kidding myself; this episode does not put me any closer to true enlightenment. But if it helps me get through the next few months, and then maybe becomes a permanent part of my psyche, sweet.

Of course, I’ll have to change the name of the blog.

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~ by mburgan on March 3, 2009.

2 Responses to “Let’s See How Long This Lasts…”

  1. I like that visualization. I’ll have to use it when I’m lying in bed at night worrying. Thanks!

  2. Glad you liked it. Of course, this week I’m starting to feel like I’m failing that little test…

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