The Last Post

No, no, not the last one ever, though I’m sure some people wish it were thus. Just the last one for this year, this wild, maddening, painful year. We started off 2010, back on Jan 1, with no hangover, pleasantly enough. And then the Fex and I sat down to craft our visions boards, pictorial representations of what we each hoped to achieve/become in the year ahead.

Imagine this pic, with appropriate faces inserted. Then again, maybe not.

She had done one before; this was my first. Hers was largely similar to the previous one, though with one noticeable exception (I might have mentioned this here before; sorry for the repetition): no picture of the two of us, in a smiling past moment. I had one of us, from our first New Year’s Eve together, framed by a cartoon heart (actually it was just our heads stuck onto the body of Krusty the Clown and his beloved).

“What gives?” I asked, curious rather than suspicious.

I wish I could remember the exact answer, but it was something along the lines of, well, she had been more concerned about us the year before, our getting through all the crap we were enduring in Chicago, and now things were different.

Indeed they were.

Maybe she said “better” and not “different,” I don’t recall. The latter was certainly more true, since already, though I didn’t know till a few months later, she was thinking real hard about life without Michael.

So from there we rolled on to my 50th birthday, marked with very little fanfare (and a certain activity I now believe was done purely out of mercy/obligation, certainly not willingness and love); the fun weekend of the NYC ½ marathon, perhaps the last truly good time we had together – at least for me. Soon afterward, though, we came to what is now known as Heads Up Day here at C?WC?, April 14.  As in: “Heads up, I think I might want a divorce.” Of course, the steps she took the next few days were again just for show. The decision had long been made, though I did not get the official word until May 6 – our tenth anniversary.

Honey, you shouldn‘t have.

On we rolled into the surreal trip from matrimonial hell, well documented here. Then there was her moving out, the buying of a condo, our house on the market but not selling, the filing of the papers and subsequent legal stuff (all done relatively calmly, I must say), the revelation of the new beau (though not from her, of course), recent acrimony over staging the house for round two of trying to sell it, and then the loneliness of this holiday season.

Wow, what a year, huh?

To get some sense of balance, let’s recap the good things: Alaska was amazing. Trips to Denver and DC were lots of fun. And the New Mexico retreat was a positive on so many levels. (Interestingly, I had put a picture from a previous trip there on my vision board, not really thinking I would get there.)

As great and necessary as the traveling was, the most important thing of 2010 was learning – or remembering – how many loving and supportive friends and relatives I have, who want me to be happy and assure me better things are ahead. I’ve also made new friends too, and I count on more new relationships in the coming year to help me achieve my professional and personal goals, to set me on a healthier path in all ways.

But ultimately the work is mine to do. And I’m ready. Ready to feel better about myself, use the talents I know I have, share all the warmth and humor and compassion I know define me, even though I often lost sight of those traits during the depths of the New Crisis. (And I know there are plenty of flaws too;  sweet Jesus, I know.)

So, no major resolutions for the coming year. Just want to get through the legal stuff, sell the house, develop new interests when I can, and continue to fill my life with great people. Relationships, meaningful connections, honesty  – I have relearned the importance of all those this year, and that almost makes all the pain and loss worth it. And a year from now, I think there will be no “almost” about it.

From everyone here at Crisis? What Crisis? (uh, that would be me…), Happy New Year. And thanks for reading.

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~ by mburgan on December 31, 2010.

2 Responses to “The Last Post”

  1. Hey, if you find yourself in the DC area again and with some extra time, let me know! I’m just outside DC, could show you the sanctuary. 🙂

    I’ll wish you a boring 2011…sounds like you could use a bit less excitement/upheaval for a while.

  2. Deb,

    Nice to hear from you, and I actually will be in the DC area, in May. I’m going for a writer’s conference. I would love to see the sanctuary. I’ll drop you a line when we get closer and see if we can arrange it. Thanks as always for reading and for the boring wishes for 2011. Of course still have to sell the house and then move, which will bring some upheaval, but certainly nothing like 2010, I wouldn’t think. Have a happy new year.

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