Return of the Son of C?WC?, Part II

It’s time.

Yes, just as the undead know the proper moment when to arise from their graves, and film producers know they have a small window of opportunity to make money on a sequel of their mediocre movie, I realize the time has come to resurrect Crisis? What Crisis?

Look for: pictures of Santa Fe!

Look for: pictures of Santa Fe!

The reasons are myriad. For one, I can no longer post to the blog I created when I moved to Santa Fe a little over three years ago, thanks to some quirk in my WordPress account that I can’t figure out. And the new blog I can post to, I’m reserving for serious-minded (relatively speaking) work-related posts, since it’s part of my “professional” website. Perhaps most important, the time is right for this resuscitation because I am once again in crisis and need an outlet to explore the nuances of my neuroses, anxieties, and often-bizarre thoughts (yeah, it’s cheaper than therapy, though I still have that too…). Though some things have changed. My stereo is way better, with the addition of new speakers and a receiver to go with the turntable I bought a few years ago. I own my home. And I struggle to survive as a freelancer like I never did before–another source of current insecurities.

As the loyal readers of C?WC? will recall (all six of you),  my initial virtual musings started more than six years ago, when I was living in Chicago, happily — more or less — married, and facing an impending move back to my home state of CT, largely against my will. On top of that, I was experiencing in various ways a midlife crisis, though one devoid of extramarital affairs, overpriced, overpowered cars, or male cosmetic surgery. As midlife crises go, it was pretty tame and mostly internal.

Now, with 55 rapidly approaching, I can no longer refer to a midlife crisis; hell, I am not even middle aged. I am on the downward slide, baby, ain’t no denying it. Yet, crises remain. At times they even become magnified and multiply. I am not one of those lucky people who, through their faith or therapy or New Age beliefs, have come to peace with aging and dreams unrealized and impending death. No, I am, still, an adolescent in adult’s clothing, a writer with little faith in his talents, a male unable to fully comprehend the women I choose as partners.

The original C?WC? took an unexpected turn about 18 months in when it became the chronicle of a marriage dissolution unforetold, though perhaps, in hindsight, an inescapable one. And as much as that unwanted divorce reduced me to tears and stirred fears and conjured up all forms of grief, it did lead to some good blog posts, if I say so myself. I mostly avoided diatribes against the ex and managed to find humor, and perhaps even poignancy at times. At least I like to think so (the Alaska blogs, from the Cruise from Hell, were particularly memorable; here’s a sample).

Given that past, I doubt anyone will be surprised to read that part two of the online explorations of an aging writer’s angst once again reflects relationship troubles. The second of my post-divorce relationships has recently ended, though not without real effort to keep it going. In the end, the too-frequent conflicts outweighed, for me, the love we did share in calmer moments. I have a hunch future efforts to secure another relationship, or the frustrations encountered while attempting same, will come under scrutiny here at C?WC? 2.0. And surely provide chuckles for all those lucky enough to be my age and happily involved and free from the demands of dating when your years are running out.

And pictures of  my travels!

And pictures of my travels!

One downside of that recently ended relationship was my not devoting as much time as I would have liked to my personal writing. Hell, I didn’t even write one post on my incredible trip to Iceland, or other excursions both near and far. Now, I have the time for those posts and ones on myriad other subjects. They will be personal, as C?WC? has always been, they will reflect my fears and doubts, but I hope they will not be too bleak. And maybe they will even offer some levity—to me at least, if not my readers.

Does the world need this iteration of that original blog? Did the world need 29 different Godzilla movies? OK, that’s hubris on my part, thinking I can match the entertainment value of even the worst of the Godzilla movies (perhaps Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla, the 2002 version?). Of course the world does not need this blog or my random thoughts. Luckily for me, the world has no say in it. But I will strive to provide something of interest as the new crisis unfolds.

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~ by mburgan on January 6, 2015.

2 Responses to “Return of the Son of C?WC?, Part II”

  1. Hi Mike, Sorry to hear that your relationship ended. There’s something I’ve learned over the course of the last 18 years: when it’s right, it’s right. If you’re yourself (and that’s all you can comfortably and sanely be), and that’s enough for the other person, the relationship will work. I don’t believe that you need to “work at” a relationship. It’s not all compromise and strife and walking on eggshells. It really, truly, honestly just “is”. I was in an awful marriage for 16 years, thinking that if I just tried harder, was less “demanding” (his words!), etc. If I would just change a little, all would be right with the world, but it wasn’t and it never could be. Now, I’m in a marriage that is 100% everything I ever read real love and romance could be. It does exist and when you least expect it, someone will come into your life. Maybe she’ll be smarter than you, or not as pretty as you hoped, or overweight, or a Republican omnivore :), gasp! But there’ll be something that makes you want to just take care of each other, regardless. It’ll be magical. Something else you wrote stuck with me – an adolescent in an adult’s body. Mike, we ALL feel that way. It’s not neurotic or unexpected. I have several serious autoimmune diseases, 4 kids (youngest 13) and will be 55 on the 15th…. Death is on my mind a lot, too. I think it’s natural. But whenever the thought comes into my head, I override it with 10 positives. I learned to do this while competing – 90% of the game is 50% mental, right? When a self doubt arises, be in control of your thoughts (meditation taught you this, I know). If you tell yourself something, you will believe it. It’s better to actually say them out loud, so you’ll hear the positives. Probably not if something creeps in while you’re at a coffee shop! But, old friend, we are aging but we don’t have to be old, or think old. Think good thoughts, dream big dreams, accentuate the positives and you will create your own happy reality, ready to accept the next love or adventure with a young and open heart. Happy New Year! Colleen

    • Colleen, Thanks for the long and thoughtful reply and for being a faithful reader of the new go-round of C?WC? I was just this moment thinking about that idea of working at relationships, and while I know there has to be compromise and sacrifice, it should not be as hard as this one was too much of the time. There should not be this much conflict almost from the beginning. So, it is a painful loss but I think a necessary one. I try to take comfort in knowing others have found that real love and romance and magical quality. I remain an optimist about finding it for myself, even if I can get bleak at times. And I have seen the value of being who I am and not walking on eggshells–at times there was a lot of that. But I”m not so sure about any omnivore Republicans! Thanks again.

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